Sneaky Gay Revealed in Song!
by CrimsonCrystalMoonStone
Summary: New directions decides to try one more time to convince Rachel to dump Jessie the only way they know how! Sing about it!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Do not own the glee or any of the characters the song is from the Broadway Legally Blond with a few lyric changes to fit the story! I do not own anything!

It was a normal day in William McKinley High School for New directions. Tina got slushied, Artie got locked in a port a potty, Kurt got thrown in a dumpster, Puck beat up Karofsky, Finn discovered that the square route of four was rainbow after copying Brittany's math work, Mike pop an locked while Matt watched in silence, Mercedes threatened to cut Puck if he broke her white boys heart, Quinn ate Mint chocolate ice-cream covered in bacon anchovies pickles and ketchup, Rachel and Jessie got all the solos, and Brittany & Santana made out behind the bleachers. So every thing was fine and dandy until one Mr. Kurt Hummel gay-dar went off the scale as Jessie St. James passed him in the hall.

Next day in glee practice:

"Rachel as a group we have decided you are blinded by your attraction to Jessie to see the obvious clues that are right in front of you and have decided to point them out. Noah hit the lights"

The lights went off and a large picture of Jessie went up on the overhead projector.

Kurt:  
There! Right There!  
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.  
Look at the killer shape he's in.  
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.  
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.

Rachel:  
I'm about to celebrate.  
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.  
Jessie's not gay, i say not gay.

The lights came back on and they were on stage in the auditorium.

All:  
That is the elephant in the room.  
Well is it relevant to assume  
that a man who wears perfume  
is automatically matically gay?

Artie:  
But look at his quoft and crispy locks.

Kurt:  
Look at his silk translucent socks.

Rachel:  
There's the eternal paradox.  
Look at what I'm seeing.

Kurt:  
What are you seeing?

Rachel:  
Is he gay?

Kurt:  
Of course he's gay.

Rachel:  
Or European?

All:  
ohhhhhh.  
Gay or European?  
It's hard to guarantee  
Is he gay or European?

Mike & Matt:  
Well, hey don't look at us.

Mercedes:  
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.  
They play peculiar sports.

All:  
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.  
Gay or foreign fella?  
The answer could take weeks.  
They will say things like "ciao bella"  
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Rachel:  
Oh please.

All:  
Gay or European?  
So many shades of gray.

Puck:  
Depending on the time of day,

I go either way.

All:  
Is he gay or European?  
or

Santana:  
There! Right There!  
Look at that condescending smirk.  
Seen it on every guy I'm with.  
That is a metro-hetro jerk.  
That guy's not gay, i say no way.

All:  
That is the elephant in the room.  
Well is it relevant to presume  
that a hottie in that costume

Kurt:  
Is automatically-radically

Puck:  
Ironically chronically

Mercedes:  
Certainly pertin'tly

Finn:  
Genetically medically

(All the Way across the school Sue Sylvester's sneaky gay senses tingled.)

All:  
GAY!  
OFFICIALLY GAY!  
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY

(Rachel pulls out a picture of the two of them kissing)  
DAMMIT

Gay or European?

Kurt:  
So stylish and relaxed.

All:  
Is he gay or European?

Puck:  
I think his chest is waxed.

Quinn:  
But they bring their boys up different there.  
It's culturally diverse.  
It's not a fashion curse.

All:  
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.  
Gay or just exotic?  
I still can't crack the code.

Tina:  
Yet his accent is hypnotic  
but his shoes are pointy toed.

All:  
Huh.  
Gay or European?  
So many shades of gray.

Brittany:  
But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday.

All:  
Is he gay or European?  
gay or European?  
Gay or Euro-

Sue:

Wait a minute you mouth breathers!  
Give me a chance to crack at this curly haired Broadway wannabee  
No sneaky gay gets past me.

Kurt:  
The floor is yours.

Sue:  
So Mr. St. James...  
This affair with Barbra Streisand has been going on for...?

Jessie:  
2 weeks.

Sue:  
And your name is...?

Jessie:  
Jessie

Sue:  
And your boyfriend's name is...?

Jessie:  
Dave  
I'm sorry! I misunderstood. You said boyfriend.  
I thought you said best friend. Dave is my best friend.

Dave:  
You bastard!  
You lying bastard!  
That's it.  
I no cover for you, no more!  
Peoples.  
I have a big announcement to a make.  
This man is Gay and European!

And neither is disgrace  
you've got to stop your being  
a completely closet case.

Its me not her he's seeing,  
No matter what he say.  
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.  
You are so gay.  
You big parfait!  
You flaming boy in cabaret.

Jessie:  
I'm straight!

Dave:  
You were not yesterday.  
So if I may, I'm proud to say,  
He's gay!

All:  
And European!

Dave:  
He's gay!

All:  
And European!

Dave:  
He's gay!

All:  
And European and Gay!

Jessie:  
Fine okay I'm gay!

All:  
Hooray!

And so it was discovered Jessie St. James was helping his boyfriend Dave Karofsky bring down New Directions with no success because Rachel was not devastated for she fully supported gay relationships. So the Glee kids go to Regionals in good spirits and win. Puck and Quinn decide to keep the baby (Beth). Puck and Kurt announced that they are engaged so Beth will have two dads and one mom. Quinn and Rachel hook up, Brittany and Santana become official, Matt and Mike announce that they have been together since middle school, Mercedes find love with the new quarter-back Sam, Tina and Artie stay together after Artie comes out as Bi because Tina finds it kinky, and Finn is left to wonder if he is the only strait guy it glee never mind that he's single.


	2. Quick FINNishes and Small Favors

Disclaimer: I do not own GLEE or the song:Not Fair By: Lilly Allen

* * *

"Okay guys let get started!"

"Mr. Shue if I may I have have something I would like to say to Finn and I have a song that sums it up."

"Um okay? Go a head Rachel."

"Thank you Finn this is for you." Rachel told Finn giving him a gentle smile. He just smiled at her thinking she was going to declare her undying love for him again. He smile got even larger as the music started up. He though is sounded kind of cool and for some reason reminded him of cowboys.

"Oh he treats me with respect"

He is kind of destructed by the tune and it takes him a second to realize Rachel already started to sing.

"He says he loves me all the time  
He calls me 15 times a day  
He likes to make sure that I'm fine  
You know I've never met a man who's made me feel quite so secure  
He's not like all them other boys  
They're all so dumb and immature"

'Aw' He thinks 'That's so nice of her to say'. He doesn't realize that Santana, Puck and Kurt are behind him trying in vain not to laugh obliviously recognizing the song.

"There's just one thing that's getting in the way  
When we go up to bed you're just no good  
Its such a shame"

"What!" He exclaims while Santana, Puck and Kurt howl with laughter but Rachel just keeps on singing as if they had not just interrupted her.

"I look into your eyes I want to get to know you  
And then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over"

Sam scoots closer to Finn and whispers "Dude what happened to 'Mailman'?" While Finn just looks on in horror.

"It's not fair  
And I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean  
Oh you're supposed to care  
But you never make me scream  
You never make me scream"

Mr. Shue just sat there in shock at Rachel's bold move he felt like he was watching a train wreck.

"Oh it's not fair  
And it's really not ok  
It's really not ok  
It's really not ok  
Oh you're supposed to care  
But all you do is take  
Yeah all you do is take"

Quinn leans over and whispers to Puck "Thank god for small favor that it was you and not him that popped my cherry ant least I felt satisfied at the end . I would have been so upset if he did it, I ended it pregnant and unsatisfied." Puck just snorts while Kurt giggles over hearing what she said.

"Oh I lie here in the wet patch  
In the middle of the bed  
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by  
I spent ages giving head  
Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me  
Maybe I'm just over reacting maybe you're the one for me

There's just one thing that's getting in the way  
When we go up to bed you're just no good  
It's such a shame  
I look into your eyes I want to get to know you  
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over"

Brittany pulls out a tissue and tries to hand it to Rachel because she thinks she is about to cry about he lack of orgasm.

"It's not fair  
And I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean  
Oh you're supposed to care  
But you never make me scream  
You never make me scream

Oh it's not fair  
And it's really not ok  
It's really not ok  
It's really not ok  
Oh you're supposed to care  
But all you do is take  
Yeah all you do is take"

The rest of the Tina and Mercedes look at Finn in horror of his obvious lack of curtsey for Rachel while Santana, Quinn, Puck, and Kurt continue laughing.

"There's just one thing that's getting in the way  
When we go up to bed you're just no good  
It's such a shame  
I look into your eyes I want to get to know you  
And then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over"

Mike and Artie fist bump because they never had that problem with Tina or Brittany.

"It's not fair  
And I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean  
Oh you're supposed to care  
But you never make me scream  
You never make me scream

Oh it's not fair  
And it's really not ok  
It's really not ok  
It's really not ok  
Oh you're supposed to care  
But all you do is take  
Yeah all you do is take"

"Rachel why didn't you tell me this in private! You always embarrass me by singing about our problems in front of every one! First 'gives you hell' now this!"

"The only reason I sing in front of the whole glee club because tat is the only way you will listen to me for more than five minutes without trying to make out or touch my boobs! You know what we are through!"

Rachel storms out to the room in a true diva fashion without giving Finn a chance to respond.

Puck turns and looks at Finn "Dude uncool your always suppose to make sure she finishes first,, right princess" he nudges Kurt who is still laughing until he registers what Puck just called him and Glares.


End file.
